Resistance. One word to perfectly sum up my emotions in this instant. Do you ever get that ‘blah’ feeling where nothing seems to go right and you don’t seem to have the answers to anything?
I’m not sure where the resistance is coming from. When I think about it consciously, it occurs to me that the world’s current strange energies may be playing a part, but all I know for sure is that it is stronger than any internal logic. Every time I try to break down the emotions in order to find a solution or give understanding to what I am feeling, the resistance comes up.
Sometimes I wonder if I really want to feel better at all. Maybe sitting in the muck of these feelings is easier than what it takes to move beyond them.
Have you ever had these feelings of resistance?
Think about it for a second.
You have this indescribable “blah” feeling. You feel like everything is futile and no matter what you do, something is bound to go wrong. And you can’t quite put your finger on “what” is wrong, so you leave it vague. The more vague it is, the easier it is for you to blame whatever happens on the “blah”. It is a giant container you keep filling with everything that has ever gone wrong and everyone that has ever wronged you.
It is convenient. You can blame everything on it, absolving you of any responsibility, hence the resistance to doing anything to change it. And, it means you can avoid the deep, potentially difficult inner work that is required to take action and make those changes.
But after living in this “blah” for a few days, I get anxious. I may not be able to see what I need to get out of it, but I know I can’t remain in it. And so, I have to trust that moving through it, regardless of what comes, is the answer.
But what am I to do? How do you pull yourself out of something you can’t even put words around? Journaling has led to nothing. Drawings are just scribbles. And when I try to meditate, I fall asleep into a world of chaotic and confusing dreams.
That’s it, it is time to call in reinforcements!
Even though I live in a rural area, when I feel the “blah”, I prefer to stay close to home. Really close… in the gardens around my house, to be exact. There, I have a wealth of understanding friends that know exactly what to say and do when I feel like this. Friends that have been there for me through my best and worst times. They never judge and are always open for an honest chat.
Of course, I’m talking about my plant friends. The community that always allows me to gain clarity and peace from their wisdom, knowledge and just their mere existence.
I grab some supplies and head out to visit Amok and his community. Amok Ashakran has been living in this area for 375 years, so ki knows a thing or two about change. I can only imagine what life was like here when ki was a small acorn just breaking through the ground. Ki had to find the perfect place where ki could get the light and nutrients necessary to grow big and strong, while still leaving space for others.
Today, Amok is a towering oak tree that looks over our house and all the other houses in the foothills. In front of ki is a chestnut tree that has been ki’s companion for many, many years.
But today, it is not Amok I want to speak with. Today, I am feeling called to speak with persons that can better understand the feeling of helplessness I think may be at the root of my “blah”.
Today, I am going to speak to the moss.
In part I choose moss because I feel called. When I need help, I send out an energetic signal and wait to hear a response. A scientist might say that I get an “intuition”.
I can admit that a plant responds to my call.
And based on who responds, my logical and scientific training kicks in to make the final decision. It is not always necessary to do so, since plants share many experiences, but for me, it feels right.
When you are thinking about what human to confide in about a given problem, don’t you evaluate based on your needs? You wouldn’t ask your 80 year old grandmother for advice about how to best use Facebook. Just like you wouldn’t expect wisdom about life-changing decisions from a 25 year old. I think about plants the same way.
Amok has given me great insight over the years about changing conditions, the need to think beyond the immediate future, and how to weather storms. And I have received equally profound insight from the moss that lives on ki’s trunk.
Moss are wonderful at making the best out of any situation. Kin connect to just about any surface and are highly adaptive to their environment. Kin even know to avoid certain things, like direct sunlight, so kin find the perfect place to get exactly what kin need, even if it means hiding away below others.
Today, I want to talk to them about how to live in very close proximity with others, often at times dependent on them for their foundation. Moss seem to have this knack for getting what they need without hurting the beings around kin, something kin help me understand in more depth every time we connect.
What I most love about moss is that kin know how to get what kin need without taking anything away from anyone else. Kin look for locations where kin can get the support needed long-term, and once kin settle in, kin are able to in-turn provide valuable services for the others in kin’s immediate vicinity. It is a very symbiotic relationship.
How moss helps me remove my resistance
There are many ways to connect to moss, and since I need direct answers, today I use a more direct approach. Sitting at the base of the Great Oak, facing the bark where the moss grow, I connect visually. Slowing down my breath, letting my eyes lose focus, I sit in moss’s presence in silence for a long time. The only thoughts coming to mind are my willingness to receive. Not really understanding where my “blah” is coming from and why I am resistant to changing it, what else could I ask for?
The moss and I connect through water. Physically, kin absorb water and nutrients through their leaves. Living in mainly damp areas, kin are very, very proficient at working with water. And since water represents emotions, kin have a fair amount of wisdom on how to move emotional blocks.
Thinking of my hands as leaves, I touch the moss to receive, and instantly feel a swoosh of emotions running through me. Resisting the urge to give them labels, I just let them flow however they come. I can feel them get stuck here and there, and in those moments, I ask moss to help me move past it.
Images flash in my mind: the people I live with, my frustrations, ecological grief, individual behaviors, my values… they are flowing again, moving like streams of water inside of me. I can feel that some need to be channeled while others evaporate. Note to self, work on letting go!
The tears feel like the final act of purification, washing away the dams that have been blocking the flow. I lie back on the soft ground and sit in the silent presence of this entire ecosystem for what feels like an eternity. The sounds of the woods keep the voices in my head from starting up again. Just the buffer I need to absorb what has been passed.
When I feel ready, I thank the moss and go down to the sacred circle where I can record my thoughts. The more I stay in this energy, the more clarity I feel. And from that clarity, I can move from resistance into action.