Marriage…did I ever tell you that I was married?
I don’t really talk about my marriage because it feels like another lifetime, or at the very least, a completely different version of me.
Let me start by saying that my ex-husband is a wonderful man. While our parting was difficult, it happened because I evolved beyond the limits of the life we had created. And for that, I am grateful.
Even though I only was in my mid-20s when we met, I was stable. I worked in corporate, owned my own home, drove a nice car, and generally had a good life. He was a high-level manager at the company—to be honest, a genius in his field with a stellar reputation.
I remember asking him all the time to teach me how to inspire people, because every time he spoke, the whole room listened. When I spoke, I created fear, resentment, and general negative energy. My fear of failure made me forceful and tactless.
Keeping Up Appearances
From the outside, I had it all. From the inside, I had stability, but no creative outlet. It was a pattern that followed me for most of my life. As much as I tried to be one of the “cool” kids, I was always on the fringe.
- Degree in music, but not enough courage to be a musician.
- Worked in internet audio/video, but was afraid to share my ideas as a content creator.
- Crew work at concerts and performances, but too embarrassed to step on stage.
Even before that, the pattern was always the same: deep dive into the creative world, only to remain on the edge. I danced for many years, then abruptly stopped one day, leaving me with only a bag filled with dance shoes. My best friend was a guitarist that taught at a music school, and while I helped with their performances, I never really felt like one of the artists. I even dabbled in playing base for a while, taking lessons from the great Matt Bonnelli, who played with Bobby McFerrin, Bo Diddley, the Fifth Dimension, and the Bee Gees.
In my life, I have owned–and played a little–clarinet, cello, piano, and bass. But the title of “musician” never sat well.
Finding my Creative Voice
Oh, and did I mention that I didn’t have friends, either?! I knew lots of people, but my ex didn’t believe in the need for a circle of friends and I didn’t think I could make them on my own. Sadly, I would interpret other people’s behaviors as if they didn’t like me. (I only found out in my 40s that this was not the case, but I digress as usual. 😉
My husband knew I needed an outlet, so he encouraged me to get singing lessons. I never thought I had a good voice, but it was better than going back to piano, which was my principal instrument at university.
Developing my singing voice helped me evolve my inner voice. And when synchronicity left me out of work for three months, it was my teacher that encouraged me to audition for a musical.
That audition led to a part, which led to more auditions, which eventually landed me a part in midnight prayerformance during an all-night intentional dance party.
It wasn’t the part itself that was transformative, it was the rehearsal process.
Here I was plunged into a creative pool I didn’t even know existed. Finally, I was an artist, rather than only backstage. Plus, my co-performers were living “unstable” lives. Gasp! That wasn’t allowed in my world!
They shared houses, gave each other rides, and managed to live these incredible lives by constantly inventing creative ways to make money.
I blossomed. With them, my talent for stability found a new home in balance with creativity. They were a tribe, a community, and they invited me in.
A Marriage Crumbles
The day of the performance, I looked at my husband and told him not to come. This was my space, one I had created on my own, and I knew he didn’t want me to live this life. Oh, I also told him I didn’t know if I would ever come home again.
I didn’t. By morning, I had completed a new cycle of evolution. I realized I could be both stable and creative. I could have friends and still maintain my personal space. And I could give and receive.
There are some paths that once you start walking, there is no turning back. The events of that last week before I moved out changed me forever. You could say that they gave me permission to experiment with life, and that is just what I did.
Years of Conscious Experimentation
At the time I left my marriage, I wasn’t conscious of every step I took to conquer my creativity and evolve into a new version of me. But since then, I have repeated this process many times, each time learning a little more about what it takes to turn a limiting belief into a strength.
And with each limit I learned to expand, I grew:
- Left my corporate job to found my first company.
- Stepped onto the stage as a dancer, singer, and actor.
- Moved to a European city without ever seeing it or knowing anyone there.
- Chose to live in a Spiritual EcoCommunity when I didn’t even understand the language.
Had I had a course like Kick-Start Your Conscious (R)Evolution, the whole process above would have been much smoother. In my tale, there were many tears, angry voices, and years of judgment to work through.
I never want you to go through the difficult times I had. This bootcamp is intended to give you the basics quickly, so you can start recognizing the strengths in your perceived limits. Because once you see them, it is a hop skip to learn how to use them.
Begin a whole new chapter in your evolution. Don’t make the same mistake I made and try to go it alone. In community, we all evolve faster.